I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Cats are still liquid.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason