Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts