“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.