4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no