I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open