you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
You Might Also Like
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?