It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
when someone rings the doorbell
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Cat.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A friend helps you before you need it
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.