Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
You Might Also Like
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.