*looks at you in batman voice*
You Might Also Like
me when I see my crush
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Life is a suicide mission.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Watson was Holmes schooled
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.