My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
You Might Also Like
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Why is this me 😫
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.