if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made