mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
War & Peace
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.