I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
There are no pants in heaven.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I mean…but I did
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn