shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.