Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show