A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.