hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I have obtained a hat
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE