Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
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