Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
tinder is all about the long game
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
That’s fair
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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