I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
how much for the angry fruit?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie