*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
You Might Also Like
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
FRED: right
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
This raises questions
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.