Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?