there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You Might Also Like
Basketball games are very squeaky.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
my first dose meeting my second
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The 4 stages of a family vacation
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”