Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You Might Also Like
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.