Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I’m having an out of money experience.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Lmfaoooooo
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times