It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My teenage children choosing violence
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?