Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
damn he’s good
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Wise advice
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..