Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Mhm.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!