if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.