Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…