i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I WON A HAM TODAY
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day