Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m too immature for adultery.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were