Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
BRAKING NEWS!!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does