Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Anime is real
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Seems a bit forward
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom