If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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This is what makes twitter great
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.