I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.