A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
That lamp looks PISSED.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Boating season is upon us.