I know this now 😂
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.