If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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Florida man
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
what
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here