Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
It’s the weekend y’all
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years