I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.