what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The struggle is real
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”