Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
hmmm
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Happy thanksgiving
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?