“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?