Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.