The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
had to make it
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho