God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
No one :
Me when I swimming :
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too