I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
This meeting could have been a cake
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST