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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*