My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
😎 🍻
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.